Identity (Partners Story....A Narrative of Loss? 5)

This post is the one where I was going to look at how my journey has been different to how I expected it to be. It is the one which deals with my identity and how I see myself but before I get to that I need to get something off my chest.

There is a hidden body of work which I have come across this week, doing my research for the talk, which would have been so useful if I had come across it some time ago.

Some of it I have been able to access because I happen to have an academic email account, other parts have come through putting fragments of things together and coming up with gold.

One of the most important documents I have found is a 2012 thesis by Claire Jenkins whose PhD work was “Straddling the scalpel of identity: a critical study of transsexual transition in a familial context”. This was not found via your standard key word Google search. Rather I read a chapter in the Inclusive Church book Sexuality, (Cornwell, 2014) and the introduction to that chapter sent me on a search of the institution, topic and first name.

Then there is the wealth of useful stuff on Canadian professor Elspeth Brown’s website which specifically relates to the partners of Trans Men. It was there I found the link to Nicola R. Brown, "TheSexual Relationships of Sexual-Minority Women Partnered with Trans Men: AQualitative Study", Archives of Sexual Behavior, Vol.39 No.2, 2010, pp.561-572. 

This latter article has helped me more than any other in working out how to describe my identity now & I only found it yesterday! Having another scan through Rachel Mann's excellent book Dazzling Darkness didn't hurt either.

Previous to the last 24 hours if asked to describe my relationship and identity I would have said that I was gay in a relationship beyond categorization.  However, I realized reading Brown’s article that whilst there are only a relatively small number of people in the same situation the relationship is not without categorization. It is simply a queer relationship.

Now I am of an age where I relate the word queer to slightly odd and I think that is one reason why I have been resistant. However, I think there has also been a huge desire to hold on to my own sexual orientation particularly as the law has not allowed me to (as I have had to move from civil partnership to marriage in order for my husband to be in a position where he can apply for his Gender Recognition Certificate (GRC)).

Yet, our relationship has been based on negotiation through the transition and a working together to ensure that the essential parts of our relationship which is based on far more than primary or secondary sex characteristics is not lost. If we adopt the word queer and say we are in a queer relationship it reflects the reality of what is going on, particularly as my husband is a man but one who is aware of the risks of genital reconstruction and so is not taking that route through transition.

The world may see it as straight and that is fine, (it is far easier than when my partner gets mis-gendered because they see two people of a similar height together) however, we know there is more than that going on. Embracing the word queer allows the whole situation to be embraced.

You might wonder why it has taken me so much time to get here…..well in part because somebody wise at the beginning of the journey said it was the loss of identity and issues around that which were most likely to see us not make it through. Thus it is an area I have sought at times to avoid really thinking about.

Having sat and thought it through though I think it helps that I am find intellectual attraction stronger than physical attraction and so the physical change has not been so difficult for me. Also the decisions regarding which surgery to have and not have my partner has made for safety reasons have also helped.

In terms of how you help people through the discussions and worries they have in this area it is a difficult one. This is an area where fear can be huge and where the worries of others are perhaps most likely to be voiced, (that was certainly my experience).

I think it is helpful to discuss the question but not in terms of “but you’re….. and how will that work now they’re……”

Sometimes it is easiest to let go of the labels and let people simply be people.

The Naming Cermony (The Partners Story....A Narrative of Loss?4)

As I write these blog posts I am aware that I am reflecting in part on my own experience but when I have done that, and perhaps in part through that I need to help be part of those people who produce resources for others navigating this journey.

Churches need to think through the challenges of providing pastoral care for the trans community and also their families and friends much more specifically. Whilst this is not new I believe it will become much more common, as it already has been. As already indicated in the posts that have preceded this I think the territory around naming ceremonies will be an increasingly important area for faith communities.

Naming ceremonies provide a specific set of challenges because they may have very different meanings for some of those present. As I have previously said whilst my husband viewed his naming ceremony as a celebration and recommitment I viewed it in many ways as a funeral. This was not easy for either of us and I am sure it was also not easy for the very understanding and skilled minister leading the occasion who was aware of the variety of feelings held by those in attendance at the evening service that night (which the naming ceremony occurred within).

To understand what the issues are for the partners, etc. one has to revisit the theme of loss. As I said in my last post what the type of loss experienced by the partner or family member/ close friend of the trans person is what Boss calls ambiguous loss. Within the classification system she uses I would argue that it is a variation on the two types of ambiguous loss discussed because there is a physical presence and element of psychological absence but the physical presence presents differently and requires a different set of language to be used to previously. The type of loss experienced is also similar yet different from that experienced during divorce or the realisation you are in an empty shell marriage for various reasons.

The similarities come in a range of forms which I found it useful to explore through the lense of Carol Lee’s Good Grief Experiencing Loss (1994) Forth Estate, London:

The first is the impact on the sense of identity (something I will discuss in more detail in the next post). Just as for the divorced person the sense of identity the partner has is often dependent upon their relationship with the trans person. They will have described their own identity in gendered terms often. The naming ceremony formally marks the end of their being able to describe their relationship in those terms.

For those who are giving pastoral care the person needs to be encouraged to see their identity in different terms ones which are not purely related to their partner.

Whilst I did not feel that there had been a deception I know many partners of trans people do feel this and this can be the second similarity. I think the extent to which this is the case often depends upon the age at which the trans person comes out. As my partner and I had been together a relatively short time in the scheme of things and he was quite young it was a very different situation to those who have been together decades face. Additionally, the coming out to me occurred when I realised something was being repressed. Therefore, I felt more sadness than deception. Many older people (particularly if their partners do come out when children have left home or they have retired) do feel similar feelings of deception to those who find out their partners have had an affair. This can also lead to a huge loss of trust. Thus, anger is an emotion often associated with the grief and those providing pastoral care need to recognise this. Allowing a separate opportunity prayer for healing and confession prior to the naming service may be useful to help the acknowledgement of some of these feelings.

What I think is an almost universal feeling amongst the partners of trans people is grief through the loss of knowledge of another person and the loss of the certainty of who the person is. This is where the greatest level of dissonance occurs and is something I believe is at the centre of the issues around the naming ceremony. It is another similarity with the experience of some divorced people.

The naming ceremony is a way to celebrate and allow the trans person to recommit themselves before God as they truly are. In doing this there is an implicit formal acknowledgement of who they are not. It is this “who they are not” that the partner initially got to know and fall in love with. It can be very difficult for the partner to get to the stage of feeling that those things were all secondary and the primary, ontological person remains the same. It is this final aspect which gets to the root of why I think it feels like a funeral service for the person who has been lost at the same time of being a celebration for the trans person of who they truly are. (For those interested in a liturgy for a naming ceremony Karl amended the one linked to from Nadiz Boltz-Weber for his)

I have come to best describe it as being the moment where the butterfly comes out of the chrysalis. The partner is morning the caterpillar who went into the chrysalis whilst the trans person is rejoicing in being the butterfly.

So how do we help people work with this? Well I think it is useful to help people acknowledge these feelings and – space to grieve needs to be built in.

There needs to be work to develop understanding between the trans person and others what those feelings are and for the trans person to give permission to allow others to give voice to their loss. One vicar in Lee’s research said, “within grieving there are creative processes at work, which are vital to healing.: ‘if we don’t grieve we don’t find that healing and we don’t repair ourselves” (p66). Using art and creative practices are useful here.

Karl and I have found it useful to have a money box with the very hungry caterpillar on placed next to the tv. It reminds us that he is now a beautiful butterfly whilst acknowledging he came from the caterpillar. For me it is a powerful symbol that whilst I may not understand what happens in the chrysalis what has emerged is more happy and beautiful.

Finally, again using Lee’s work on grieving I think it is important that in planning such ceremonies we understand context is everything. Whilst it will be useful to have authorised ceremonies in our service books (something I think we are sadly lacking), we will need to use these as liturgies with flexibility that can be amended to suit the individuals involved and their feelings. 

A Partner's Story....The Narrative of Loss? 3

What does your journey feel like? That is the first question I suggest might be explored with the partners, relatives or others close to trans people, using Jake Lever’s work on spirituality as a tool for discussion.

My own answer would be one of loss, confusion and then a gradually emerging sense of contentment and happiness.

The more I read the clearer it becomes that feelings of loss for partners and others close to the trans person are normal. This has been something in preparing for next weeks paper that I have become even more aware of. Over the last week I have found it is something that support sites such as TG Pals identify. It is something that trans people writing their autobiographies have identified. A good example is Mark Rees 1996 autobiography which sets out something of the development of societies understanding of trans in the late 20^th century through the telling of his own story. He talks, briefly on page 88 of the sense of loss his mother had. Then there is the academic work. The most useful I have found is that of Dr.Kristen Norwood who is based at Fontbonne University. Her work has included Grieving gender: Trans-identities, transition, and ambiguous loss. Communication Monographs, 80 (2013). Tina Livingstone’s work has also been useful.

The loss hasn’t felt simple. It involves what Norwood describes as ambiguous loss,(a theme she has developed from Dr. Pauline Boss). That is it is a complex feeling which is based upon situations where there are feelings of loss but the normal markers are not there. With those close to trans people Norwood notes that the cognitive struggle going on is because the trans person seems to be simultaneously there and not there, constant and changed.

This cognitive confusion is one which I can very much relate to. There was a clear cognitive dissonance between who my partner was saying he was and who I knew him to be.

We were lucky that within my overall life journey I have gained a knowledge of social theory. It gave myself and my husband a tool to use when we knew our meanings were so different we were struggling to come to anything like a shared understanding. Norwood talks of this failure to come to a shared meaning relational dialectics theory. Whilst that is a linguistic tool it seems to have some aspects in common with the symbolic interactionist and the post-modern theoretical models which my husband and I used. We used those sociological tools to identify (i) we were talking across each other and failing to find any kind of shared meaning, (ii) we were limited by the language we had and (iii) identity was not fixed but it was something core in terms of how we saw ourselves and saw others.

Now I know most people don’t have this kind of map easily available to them……but between the hugs, tears and screaming at each other it was what we found meant we could learn to communicate with each other.

So this raises the question…..where most people don’t have that level of cultural capital to fall back on how do we help them through this minefield where meanings aren’t and can’t be shared? I mean in the mist of a crisis Howard Becker and Foucault don't easily creep in to conversation. How do we help people find ways to communicate each other, sometimes about things we don’t even have adequate language for? I don’t know….but any suggestions would be helpfully received as I believe if we could find an answer to this one it would help so many people who are in relationship with trans people.

With regard to Boss’ work on ambiguous loss theory one thing she says on her website is one of the problematic features is there is “no mourning ritual” which is part of what allows one to say goodbye. Thus, the confusion is prolonged.

On my journey it did feel like I have that point of what could be regarded as a mourning ritual, although for all others involved it was intended to be an act of celebration.  This is what I am going to look at in my next post when I discuss the significance of the naming ceremony.

Also just a note to say the reason why I am putting so many blogs on the topic up so quickly is that the first paper/ presentation I am giving on this topic is going to be on Thursday at the trans and faith symposium. The blog posts, as I indicated, are part of how I am doing my thinking for this. They are also, perhaps, my attempt (however clumsy) at trying to contribute a little piece to the jigsaw which is people's wider understanding of trans people, their families and particularly their partners.  This is something a few people have been encouraging me to start thinking about doing of late.

A Partners Story.....A Narrative of Loss? 2

How do you even begin to have the conversations around being the partner or close relative of a trans person?

This question is hard enough because of the subject matter and the range of feelings that the partner or relative of the trans person might have but there are some things which make it even more difficult.

The first is that what the partner or relative is saying or wanting to say may conflict with the trans person’s understanding of themselves and of their support needs. The partner or relative may be struggling with the name or more often the pronouns. The articulation of their feelings of loss may also heighten feelings and fears of rejection in the trans person.

The second reason it is difficult and one of the things I found most difficult was what appeared to be the dominant view amongst medical professionals. My husband had several tell him that I would not hang around, especially after transition. This view of the professionals also makes things difficult because the partner is excluded from the medical conversations and so has to rely on second hand information from the partner (at best) or internet searching for information on where they are up to (at worst).

This dominant view is also problematic because it means trans can become the dominant factor medical professionals look at with regard to feelings of stress the partner may be experiencing. As an example when I went to the doctor with stress related issues which happened to coincide with my husband’s mastectomy the doctor was adamant I had unresolved issues around his transition. The subsequent counselling I underwent quickly dispelled this and made clear that I had no such issues, rather it was work related issues which were the root cause.

The third and final reason it is so hard is because of the attitudes of the wider trans community and particularly trans activists. There are many people who have had negative experiences and indeed it is those negative experiences which have resulted in the spousal veto….a painful part of legislation. However, the greater problem is that as identified earlier the partners of trans people and those closest to them have a different narrative to the one which the trans community is needing to put forward to the general public.

The trans community is needing to show that there is no choice and that the person is the same person, it was the previous gender marker and body presentation which was wrong. The narrative of loss which those closest feel disrupts and confuses this story. Thus when the partner or parents voice is heard it can, in the worst cases, be met by anger and formal complaints from trans activists….as with a recent anonymous letter from the parent of a trans person which was in the Guardian.

So how do we move forward? Well, obviously some of these things will need structural changes in attitude by professionals. However, other conversations can be started more easily and readily.

In thinking about how conversations can start in non-counselling settings work on spirituality gives us a good set of tools, particularly if we are in faith settings. Some of you may have seen Jake Lever’s work The Blue and The Dim and The Gold at Greenbelt a few years ago. It is a beautiful piece of art work which has a boat hidden within it. It has projected next to it a set of questions which ask people to reflect on their personal journeys through three questions:

 

1.    What does your journey feel like?

2.    Has the journey been different to what you expected?

3.    What sustains you as you travel in your boat?

When I saw it recently at Aston University as part of their 50^th anniversary celebrations and I was thinking where do I start with the paper I’m giving I realised these questions may help us. Jake has kindly given me permission to use pictures of his work  within my presentation and so these are what I am going to be using to structure my paper.

Similarly giving people a set of pictures to choose from and structuring questions around these could help people articulate feelings that can be difficult, especially if you were looking at these topics in mixed groups of trans people and others seeking to develop understanding. They could then be used to allow other questions and conversations to develop.

The point is the conversations need to happen. In the next few posts I be using these three questions to reflect on my own experience and how this fits with the experience of others. The second question will specifically include the answer to how I see my own identity with regard to my own sexual orientation.

I will also be putting in a post in response to a question asked about how do you deal with the loss others may feel whilst trying to support the trans person as well.

The Partners Story...A Narrative of Loss? 1.

Today sees the beginning of a short series I am going to be writing about “the experience of the trans partner”. It will include reference to my own experience but I want it to be more than that. A specific area I want to focus upon within the series is the narrative of loss within the partner’s story. I want to look at this in terms of thinking about what the pastoral care for couples should be where one is trans and the other is not and how to do we acknowledge their, at times, conflicting feelings.

 

One particular focus I will think about within this is going to be around naming ceremonies and how do those leading them navigate and provide pastoral care when for one person they are a time of celebration and for another they may be like a funeral service.

The thoughts that I’m going to express here are helping me think around some of the issues I’m going to be exploring in a forthcoming paper at a symposium.

As I approach this series I would be interested in exploring too what you the reader may want to know about or find useful. I’d also be interested in knowing about specific resources you’ve found useful if you are the partner of a trans person.

You might wonder why looking at the grief cycle and the issue of loss is going to be such a big part of this series. Well there are a couple of answers to this.

The first comes from a search around the websites of groups such as TG Pals and blogs such as Translucidity which show these are common feelings. This is something echoed in my own experience and something I have heard in many conversations with other partners of trans people.

The second comes from a feeling I have that if we can learn how to think about at this in the trans context it may help us in other areas too. One parallel I find myself thinking about increasingly is how there are similar feelings of loss through transition felt within church contexts as people either lose their buildings or forms of worship that they have felt familiar and comfortable with and which have helped them understand and describe their own identity.

The exploration of this latter wider use of the ideas may well turn into a second series of posts after the initial ones focusing on being a trans partner have been written.

Lovebombed with Online Care

This week my partner and I have been love bombed. We have experienced what love, support and pastoral care looks like in the digital age, as Karl has had his chest surgery. In this brief post I want to make comment on what our experience has been because I think it shows the benefits of the digital age in providing pastoral care and the way in which the on line / off line divide is to some extent irrelevant.

To give some context Karl has been in St. Georges, London receiving outstanding care. The surgery he has had is reconstructive chest surgery (involving a double mastectomy and nipple graft as part of his female to male gender reassignment). Whilst he has been undergoing this I have been the proverbial blue ended fly shuttling between the hospital and my job in Milton Keynes and have been trying to get my marking done in between.

My mobile has been the main source of interaction with the outside world. Whilst sitting on trains between the marking I have been able to pick up messages and comments of support and love. Over the last couple of days there has been a stream of love flowing over us via FB and I have been able to tap into that at the times which have suited me. I have been able to access the messages and comments and respond to them without having to use too much energy engaging in proper conversation or feeling guilty about taking up other people's times. Also it has enabled us to receive support from people all over the country (and indeed from people around the world). As people who have moved around a lot and know people all over the place this has been particularly important.  

Karl and I have also been able to keep people updated via Facebook and give mass thanks in a way which has worked for us.

In terms of how this has worked with relation to traditional forms of pastoral care it has been interesting. Facebook and email have both been used effectively meaning I have not had to field phone calls when that would have actually been more of a stress on me. We have known there is physical support there and it will kick in more when Karl comes home this weekend but it has not felt overwhelming.

What I want to draw from this is the way in which social media and the internet really can be a useful tool for pastoral care and support when used well. It won't be the right way to support everybody but for us it has been amazing this week. So thank you to all of you who have supported us this week and liked, commented, or messaged. Taking the time to press that button, give a few words or send a specific message has really made a huge difference to us and the love and support was felt in a very real way.