People who follow this blog or are friends of mine will be
aware that I have been accompanying my husband on his journey towards
ordination in the Methodist Church. That, subject to final confirmation of
conference, is set to happen next month and next week he, along with two others
from the London District, have their testimony service. During that journey
I’ve done occasional updates, including something of what I’ve learnt along the
way. This will probably be my last one related to being the wife of a student
Presbyter and I offer it as something I hope might be of help to others
travelling this path.
1. There
is both no definitive type of minster’s partner and at the same time only one
kind you can be. By that I mean you must be you and not try to fit into a box that
doesn’t exist, whatever others might seek to tell you. For example, you don’t
have to go to the same church as your partner if you’re a Christian. Yet at the
same time you might want to and that’s fine.
Me? I work elsewhere and that helps cover
a multitude of stuff.
2. That
Eleanor Roosevelt quote about nobody being able to make you feel inferior
without your permission is true. There will be all sorts of things that might
be said or done which could make you feel like that, but you have the choice whether to accept it or not. Your
partner, as the minister, has the job of dealing with others unrealistic
expectations about you.
Tip, I have an inspiration board full of
quotes which helps me keep a focus on what it’s healthy to be thinking about
myself.
3. Strategies
can be used to deal with the tensions which might relate to points 1 and 2. For
me the fact that I followed on from a much loved minsters wife, but was hardly
ever about because I work in another church was an issue that my other half had
to deal with. I sought to work with the reality of who I am but his
congregations wish to have me around by taking a
pragmatic approach. I am a local preacher and so have got myself on the
circuit plan in each of my husband’s churches one a quarter. This means I go as
a local preacher, and so in my own identity, but they also get to see me.
4. We have the same day off and guard that as much as
possible. As previous posts have shown that meant sacrifices on my part, but it
worked out as God led me into an amazing role which I admit I only took
initially because it meant I could be doing something related to my calling
which meant we had the same day off.
5. If a
conversation can’t happen about the day or has to stop abruptly it’s not that
your partner doesn’t want to involve you. It’s just that healthy boundaries of confidentiality have to be in place.
It helps we’re both involved in church life and deal with pastoral care because
it means we know why if one wants to chat something through it will be couched
in a particular way where no names are mentioned and the conversation may stop
abruptly so confidences are not breached.
6. Working
out at the start of each week what the schedule of
evening meetings is and who will be needing to eat when is useful.
Family meals will sometimes be possible, sometimes not. It’s not personal. Make
sure kids get into the habit of finding out what’s going on too. If you both
have chaotic schedules like us then it’s really important to know for the
shopping too. There are some days when eating out separately is the only option
to fit everything in.
7. Ensure
you have something to be doing when they’re working, and you have down time.
It’s one of the reasons I’m doing my Dth now. I was finding that the demands of
his studies and job meant that I had more time with just me about to get used
to. So I found something productive to do with that
alone time.
8. It’s ok to swear to God about what the church is doing
to your other half when they’re going through a particularly busy time or Mrs.
Goggins, (no he hasn’t got one called that), has said something particularly insensitive.
For me it was around Christmas each year when he was shattered, he still had
assignments too and the church wanted him to be getting reports done.
9. Get used to the black humour, especially around death.
Ministers need the same humour as undertakers for a reason. You’ll see how
deeply impacted they are and how much they care when one of their flock passes
away, the humour is one way of dealing with the hard stuff. I could give
examples…. but that wouldn’t be appropriate.
10. Learn when space might be needed, just because of all the
people demands, especially if your other half is an introvert. It can be hard
because it seems like you’re the queue. Be honest about
that too – during probation so much is new and
being learnt by both of you.
