What I've learnt as a Probationer Minister's Wife

People who follow this blog or are friends of mine will be aware that I have been accompanying my husband on his journey towards ordination in the Methodist Church. That, subject to final confirmation of conference, is set to happen next month and next week he, along with two others from the London District, have their testimony service. During that journey I’ve done occasional updates, including something of what I’ve learnt along the way. This will probably be my last one related to being the wife of a student Presbyter and I offer it as something I hope might be of help to others travelling this path.

1.    There is both no definitive type of minster’s partner and at the same time only one kind you can be. By that I mean you must be you and not try to fit into a box that doesn’t exist, whatever others might seek to tell you. For example, you don’t have to go to the same church as your partner if you’re a Christian. Yet at the same time you might want to and that’s fine.

Me? I work elsewhere and that helps cover a multitude of stuff.

2.    That Eleanor Roosevelt quote about nobody being able to make you feel inferior without your permission is true. There will be all sorts of things that might be said or done which could make you feel like that, but you have the choice whether to accept it or not. Your partner, as the minister, has the job of dealing with others unrealistic expectations about you.

Tip, I have an inspiration board full of quotes which helps me keep a focus on what it’s healthy to be thinking about myself.

3.    Strategies can be used to deal with the tensions which might relate to points 1 and 2. For me the fact that I followed on from a much loved minsters wife, but was hardly ever about because I work in another church was an issue that my other half had to deal with. I sought to work with the reality of who I am but his congregations wish to have me around by taking a pragmatic approach. I am a local preacher and so have got myself on the circuit plan in each of my husband’s churches one a quarter. This means I go as a local preacher, and so in my own identity, but they also get to see me.

4.    We have the same day off and guard that as much as possible. As previous posts have shown that meant sacrifices on my part, but it worked out as God led me into an amazing role which I admit I only took initially because it meant I could be doing something related to my calling which meant we had the same day off.

5.    If a conversation can’t happen about the day or has to stop abruptly it’s not that your partner doesn’t want to involve you. It’s just that healthy boundaries of confidentiality have to be in place. It helps we’re both involved in church life and deal with pastoral care because it means we know why if one wants to chat something through it will be couched in a particular way where no names are mentioned and the conversation may stop abruptly so confidences are not breached.

6.    Working out at the start of each week what the schedule of evening meetings is and who will be needing to eat when is useful. Family meals will sometimes be possible, sometimes not. It’s not personal. Make sure kids get into the habit of finding out what’s going on too. If you both have chaotic schedules like us then it’s really important to know for the shopping too. There are some days when eating out separately is the only option to fit everything in.

7.    Ensure you have something to be doing when they’re working, and you have down time. It’s one of the reasons I’m doing my Dth now. I was finding that the demands of his studies and job meant that I had more time with just me about to get used to. So I found something productive to do with that alone time.

8.    It’s ok to swear to God about what the church is doing to your other half when they’re going through a particularly busy time or Mrs. Goggins, (no he hasn’t got one called that), has said something particularly insensitive. For me it was around Christmas each year when he was shattered, he still had assignments too and the church wanted him to be getting reports done.

9.    Get used to the black humour, especially around death. Ministers need the same humour as undertakers for a reason. You’ll see how deeply impacted they are and how much they care when one of their flock passes away, the humour is one way of dealing with the hard stuff. I could give examples…. but that wouldn’t be appropriate.

10. Learn when space might be needed, just because of all the people demands, especially if your other half is an introvert. It can be hard because it seems like you’re the queue. Be honest about that too – during probation so much is new and being learnt by both of you.

Millennial Leaders - Two Books One Theme

As we prepare for Gen Z (those born after 2000) to enter the workplace the focus on the cohort before is shifting onto the way Gen Y (millennial's) are becoming leaders  and how we can encourage them in their leadership roles. Two recently published books which take this up in different ways are Leading the Millennial Way by Simon Barrington with Rachel Luetchford and Generation Y, Spirituality and SocialChange edited by Justine Afra Huxley. I would argue that anybody seriously interested in how this age group are emerging as leaders would find it useful to read both books.

The former is a dialogue between a Gen Xer and a Millennial where they explore report data they researched and produced at Forge Leadership. They dig behind the data for the trends that are emerging and what this can tell us about how millennial's feel about leadership, what they can learn about leadership and how those in older generations can adapt to develop the new ways of working which are emerging.

Whilst the make up of the sample used is not fully discussed, that would require a separate reading of the report which is available to download or buy in hard copy, it does reflect what other research and empirical evidence is showing and so I believe can be trusted. There is an implicit middle-class bias within this text, but that reflects the type of young adults who are being referred to in the book, on the whole, and the nature of British society at the moment.

The definitions used within the book are quite soft, but I believe that reflects the reality of the subject and the move into a world where influencers are now acting as leaders too. The move away from hierarchy to flatter ways of working is one of the changes highlighted in the book. I understand why this is, but I would suggest whilst we are moving to flatter ways of working hierarchies are still in place which is why, as the book says, this cohort is always looking to make sure they are progressing within their lives and within the work place.

Much of what is being said here will not be new to readers of writers such as Brene Brown, (who is quoted), for example. However, it is in places developed, for example when talking about knowing your own core values. Whilst the authors do have international experience they are writing from a very British standpoint which is refreshing as a lot of these types of business and leadership books come from the other side of the pond.

If you want to explore what the types of social projects that the millennial leaders being referred to in the book are involved in further I would suggest you turn to Justine Huxley’s book on Generation Y, Spirituality and Social Change. As with Leading the Millennial Way Huxley’s book is written by a Gen Xer ready to both engage and learn from the millennial's. Both books have the benefit of realising the importance of inter generational communication and learning.

Generation Y, Spirituality and Social Change is a book which shares interviews, stories and testimony from a range of different millennial leaders and change makers. They come a variety of spiritual backgrounds, reflecting the role Huxley has as Director of St. Ethelburga’s which is a centre working for reconciliation and peace, from an interfaith perspective.

The place of vulnerability in leadership was a core aspect of Leading the Millennial Way and is an important part of the discussion of leadership in part one of the book two. This part of the book includes an interview with James Adams who is of Methodist background and who has developed a range of social enterprise projects whilst training to be a doctor. This amazing young mans story can be seen to embody totally what the former book was talking about, as can many others within this book. The terms Huxley uses for the leadership being discussed is ‘natural leadership’ and for the spiritual ethical framework underpinning these stories she uses the term ‘sacred activism’.

The way that ancient teachings are reinterpreted or re-examined for the digital age or in light of the current digital, consumer age we find ourselves in is an aspect of the book I find particularly interesting too. There is a clear link between tradition and the present in much of what is being discussed as well as a firm rejection in many cases of practices that were seen to be lacking in integrity or were oppressive.

Both books bring identity into the discussion and are careful to reject the way that exclusion has occurred in the past because of gender or sexuality. However, this book deals with this more explicitly and includes the stories of LGBTQ people such as Orion Stephanie Johnstone in it too.

Another similarity between the two texts is the way in which they talk of the importance of inner and outer lives and the relationship between the two as people seek to have healthy and balanced lives.

As with the other book the one criticism you could make of this book is that it again has an implicit middle class bias. However, as these books are at the forefront of the genre I think others will come, and are coming – particularly as we look at how to grapple with the problems of youth violence many communities face with the Gen Z/ Gen Y hinge population.

I can highly recommend both books and than their authors for their work. I would recommend that people buy both and read them in tandem to get a clearer understanding of both the theory and what it looks like in practice and how it is changing our world.

The Story of Employing Mind, Body and Spirit

A couple of weeks ago Wesley’s Chapel and Leysian Mission put on an employability conference called Employing Mind, Body and Spirit. This blog post seeks to reflect on the conference and the way it was put together. I’m doing this as much as anything because I’ve been reading #newpower: Why outsiders are winning, institutions are failing, and how the rest of us can keep up in the age of mass participation by Henry Timms and Jeremy Heimans. The book has helped me answer some of the questions in my own mind about what underlying approach was being taken in the planning of the conference and what might be taken forward from it. It's also helped me understand that as others might find some of our approach useful to adapt for their contexts it's worth sharing.

I start the story over a year before the conference. A Methodist Superintendent and her newly appointed lay worker are sitting in an office and the new employee is told by the minister, “I want you to take risks in this job, and to know it’s ok if you fail.”

As the new financial year approaches a few months later the lay worker puts together what she feels is a somewhat outrageous budget, including the proposal of an employability conference.

The trustees of the church come back and say, the other staff need to ask hard questions about the budget, but if the answers are satisfactory, it will be given. Trust is developed at this point, in various directions, at the same time of accountability being firmly in place.

Then the staff discuss the proposal about the conference, which they know will be something a bit different. The church haven’t done this type of thing before, but they’re willing to give it a try. The lay worker is encouraged to look for partners in this venture to help increase accountability.

Nine months before the event, in collaboration with other team members, the lay worker starts planning and approaching speakers. She’s got the topics planned in her mind, but getting the right speakers is going to be key. At this point she isn’t thinking about representation too much, but she is thinking she wants the right people rather than the big names.

Amongst those approached are the new Connexional EDI officer, she wants to make sure that professional networks and EDI issues are covered and so he seems an obvious bloke to approach. Only over an initial coffee to discuss does she discover that this guy helped set up the first Black Police Officers Association in the Met. Bonus. The District team are also approached as she knows the District Children and Youth Worker previously worked for the careers service. The local church are approached too. The partner in a law firm agrees to be part of the panel and later so does a Health Education expert in the NHS. This has involved looking beyond what people do in the church and thinking about what they do in the wider world. Taking a holistic approach.

But this isn’t just a Methodist event, it’s important to the church it’s a community event. To this end other participants include somebody who works in a local uni, who the church has partnered with via the chaplaincy there. Somebody else is director of a film festival, who the lay worker met at a community event and then had coffee with. The young adults group at the church had gone along to the film festival as one of their events. The networking aspect, inviting community partners into our space as experts in their areas was important too.

The lay worker was talked through putting a funding application together, for the Methodist District in this case. Her skills were being developed through this event too.

Then as the event got nearer we thought out how to publicise the event. We knew that we needed to make it professional and that we had people in the church with the skills. These were young adults doing some free lancing alongside the day jobs. They initially agreed to do the work for nothing, but were persuaded to put in the invoices for their work. We said if they didn’t want to take the money they could gift aid it back but the important thing was too many young artists (and older ones) are getting ripped off. The idea of we’ll show your work if you give it to us for free is all too common in the gig economy & young artists are being failed by it. It was important to us that we paid for the work being produced.

The programme for the event was the point at which it became clear that the conference was truly diverse. This wasn’t something we’d intentionally aimed at, we’d looked around our networks and found the right people with the right skills and it happened that this approach turned up a roughly even mix of genders, and ethnic backgrounds. For this to work though, we need to have external as well as internal networks which are diverse in the first place.

Then there was the sound and vision. The church had previously worked with a company who knew the space. We approached them and they gave us both a good service and a discount.

The event was for the local communities (that is the geographical community, the community networked into the Chapel and the worshipping congregation). This gave us a wide spread to get the word out too in a range of ways, including adverts in the local press. That got us a lot of Eventbrite bookings, but as with a lot of free events a lot of those bookings didn’t turn into people on the day. This gave an advantage though the quality of relationship building going on was much higher.

This relationship building and networking was going on between people at all sorts of levels. Including amongst the young people, who had come down from a local youth centre the church has built a relationship with, who were providing the lunch time entertainment.

Having read the book on #newpower I worked out that a lot of what had been going on with this event was taking this kind of approach. It wasn’t about getting in lots of big names from top companies, although the 6^th biggest law firm in the country was represented. It was about getting in the right people to support a holistic approach to young people finding work and thriving in it.

At the event we were all collaborators. It wasn’t an explicitly Christian event, but through talking about every day lives there was testimony in there.

There are things we’ve learnt from this and things we’ll do differently next time. The key thing though is this event was a well planned risk, which had accountability built in. It was based on working with partners, for the good of the local community and those within it. Something that church has been doing in that part of London for 260 years. It might have been a slightly new approach but the basics were very old and very Methodist.

New Year Goals: Taking a Sabbath

2019 is here and it’s the day when you review where you wanted to be a year ago and where you are now. At the same time, you look at where you want to be in a years’ time. Well, if you’re like me you do because 1^st January is the day where you set your dreams, visions and goals for the coming year.

I always find I manage about half of the things I set out to during the year. That’s something which is not a problem. It’s generally not a list of definite things I set out to achieve, (although there's a few things like that on there), it’s a list of aspirations of what I’d like to do, together with a set of things I know that might be good for me.

Last year one of my biggest and most important goals was to take an actual sabbath (i.e. day of rest) each week, that’s not a day when I do nothing but is a day of rest where I spend time with my husband and we’re not working or studying. I needed to make it a goal because it’s totally out of my comfort zone in many ways. I’m one of these people whose natural approach is to work, or perhaps one of those people whose chosen drug is work (as some who know me might argue).  

So why was it so important, well firstly because it’s biblical and I’m a real believer that God created a rhythm of life which we’ve in many ways lost in our present society. I know that one of my problems is “overdoing it” and finding myself tired out and irritable. This isn’t God’s intention, he wants me to work hard but also be healthy, rest is part of that.

Another reason it was so important was because it meant that I would be properly spending time with my husband, not half-heartedly but fully. We both live busy lives and we know that we need to invest time with each other. We have developed a pattern for our rest time which sees us chilling and catching up with each other, properly. To help this we seek to get out of the house in order to mean that we don’t get caught up with, just one email or that quick finishing off a job. Now, don’t get me wrong I’m not perfect sometimes it doesn’t work and I check my email too often but we’re getting there.

Finally, it’s important because another goal I achieved this year was starting a new programme of academic study alongside my full-time job. This is demanding, and I know if I stand any chance of reaching where I hope to by the year I’m 50 I’m going to be working really hard for four solid years. If I’m going to stand a chance of achieving this goal I need to ensure rest is built in as much as study.

Tips for you if you want to try and make sure you take a sabbath

1.    Work out why you want to...if it’s a goal with a purpose you’ll have more motivation

2.    Be realistic you’re going to have to say no to some other stuff, and not do everything that you might want to…working out your priorities is useful here

3.    Think about how you’re going to fit in what you need to in the other 6 days…. time management is a tool to be used, not a weapon to injure yourself with

4.    Think about how you might use that day of rest to do something or nothing in order to refresh yourself….if you’re list also contains some books you’d like to read or films you’d like to see these can be built in

5.    Budget for this …..but it doesn’t need to cost much. Walks are free, many museums and galleries are free to enter if you don’t want to see special exhibitions and you can do as little as much as you like.

With regard to this last point my husband and I have found it useful to budget in a cheap meal together (one of these meal deal type things in a local pub or going somewhere you can get discount vouchers for). We also pay monthly for a card for the cinema and annually for NationalTrust, Tate Galleries and Historic Palaces membership. This means that the costs of most of what we do that has a cost associated with it is booked in. And of course memberships can be changed from year to year according to how value for money you find them. Fact you’ve paid out already encourages you to go and take time just chilling.

So what are my goals in 2019…..well, I’m not going to share that. The thing is that the list is personal and it’s not something that others need to know the contents of. If you succeed great, if you don’t it’s not a huge problem – nobody knows what’s on the list and so you’ve got no embarrassment if you don’t achieve it. What matters is that you have a set of things to aim for, not a list of must do’s to add more stress to an already stressful life.