10 things learnt this year as a student presbyter spouse in Brum

So it’s been almost a year that we’ve been up here in Brum, and I’ve done a full academic year as a chaplain in term of teaching time for undergraduates. I’ve did a bit of a review at the 6 month mark so here is my end of year one.

As you’ll notice I’m not going to focus on the chaplain bit, which incidentally has been great. I want to put together 10 things I’ve discovered as a student presbyter’s wife which hopefully will give my friends a bit of an update whilst maybe helping some people who are getting ready to come here in September. I admit as I read this it is a very middle class list….but hey I am middle class and so I make no apologies. Also I am conscious I have been able to get a job up here and so can afford to do some of these things, even if they are not extravagant. Not everybody is in that position.

1.    Whatever you think it will be like living in a theological college you’ll probably be wrong. – I had a whole load of assumptions which had to be unlearned very quickly. I think lots of other people did too. For me the issue was thinking I was entering some kind of academic bubble where I would be able to talk theology with lots of people. Truth is as a partner you don’t get to talk theology much, apart with your partner. The students want to chill and not talk theology in the evening and so you have to find spaces to engage in elsewhere unless you are auditing a class (which I understand some partners do).

 

2.    Living in a communal environment requires you to be sociable. – I am a southerner, as such the idea that people might knock on your door just to be sociable was an anathema to me. I haven’t really ever encountered neighbourliness of the sort they have round here before. It’s all a bit strange. For me the one bit I actively choose take part in when I can is Sunday lunch. I am entitled to a couple of more meals a week but don’t take them. I know some people think this is crazy because they see them as paid for in with our rent, but I don’t. One thing that helps you stay sane round here is keeping hold of the choices you can. So much is dictated by the rhythm of the college that it’s good to be able to hold on to what decisions you can.

 

3.    Whilst it’s a moderate drinking culture there is more of a social drinking culture in the theological college than I was previously used to. – Hubby and I are not big drinkers but all the way through the first term we noticed that because we hardly ever drunk much before our intake really did significantly increase when we arrived because we were drinking more regularly. The bar in the common room is very reasonably priced.

 

4.    Birmingham is a great place if you’re looking to have a good life on a budget. – WinterbourneGardens and the Birmingham Museums are worth getting membership too. The IKON gallery is also well worth visiting regularly. The Crescent Theatre has some good value stuff on and Waterstones in Birmingham has some really good events. That’s just for starters.

 

5.    If you shop right Waitrose can be cheaper than Sainsbury’s. – Now this was not something I was expecting to find, but if you’re clever with what you’re buying and use the offers together with buying the excellent tasting Waitrose own brand you can do brilliant shops on a budget there. This is excellent because it’s the biggest supermarket in walking distance to where I live. The My Waitrose Card is my favourite loyalty scheme.

 

6.     A daily planner on the fridge is really useful. - In terms of knowing when you and your partner will be eating together / get to see each other I find the planner we got after I forgot how the routine of this place worked really useful. It enables us to identify which night Karl is going to eat in college (he has to every lunch time during term time and at least one evening). It’s also useful for me to know when he will be out on placement and so grabbing something quickly after a lecture, before I get home from work. Also it enables him to know when I am working late or out at a meeting and so will be eating at a different time too. Paper Chase do some lovely ones.

 

7.    If you want something to happen try and organise it. – The one thing I really wanted not to lose when I moved was being part of a book group which was a small group of Christians meeting together to discuss literature. So I organised a small one on campus when I arrived. It’s primarily for partners and adult children but anybody is welcome. Sometimes when you organise something nobody will be interested, but other times it might just happen.

 

8.    Date Time is important – I am a tad independent and am very much myself as well as being Karl’s wife. I also was lucky enough to find a job when I moved. As such I am not, perhaps, your “typical partner” – not that that person exists. Karl and I schedule in “date time” because we are both busy people. When we do get time together we tend to go off campus to have time away from the computer and to enjoy exploring Brum and the surrounding area or more often than not catch a film using our Cineworld Unlimited cards (something I think are an excellent investment). This means that people don’t often see us together. Apparently some people can find that a bit weird or problematic and it can give concerns about the state of a marriage. Truth is now Karl’s not commuting and I am not spending lots of time doing prep and marking we get to see each other far more than we ever have. The fact we have both come from professional backgrounds means that we are used to having to put in that time for each other but also allowing the other to be very much their own person in terms of having time to do whatever it is they need to be doing well.

 

9.    You end up mixing with all sorts of people – It’s great you mix with people from so many different backgrounds here, but it can be hard especially initially. I’ve learnt that just because I have one set of norms and values it doesn’t mean other people have the same ones. However, you have to learn to live with each other because underneath it all you’re going through similar things.

 

10. Make your own space in your flat and keep it as your home– For me putting together my kitchen space with an inspiration board and prayer space within it was really important. It meant that within this environment which is dominated by my partner’s studies I have a bit of space which I can say is mine. It is also useful if you can work with your partner to ensure that they have clear work and home division. For us it works well because Karl has a clear ethos of dividing the two and dresses for “work”, normally, as well as using the library for study so our flat is truly our home.