A Partners Story.....A Narrative of Loss? 2

How do you even begin to have the conversations around being the partner or close relative of a trans person?

This question is hard enough because of the subject matter and the range of feelings that the partner or relative of the trans person might have but there are some things which make it even more difficult.

The first is that what the partner or relative is saying or wanting to say may conflict with the trans person’s understanding of themselves and of their support needs. The partner or relative may be struggling with the name or more often the pronouns. The articulation of their feelings of loss may also heighten feelings and fears of rejection in the trans person.

The second reason it is difficult and one of the things I found most difficult was what appeared to be the dominant view amongst medical professionals. My husband had several tell him that I would not hang around, especially after transition. This view of the professionals also makes things difficult because the partner is excluded from the medical conversations and so has to rely on second hand information from the partner (at best) or internet searching for information on where they are up to (at worst).

This dominant view is also problematic because it means trans can become the dominant factor medical professionals look at with regard to feelings of stress the partner may be experiencing. As an example when I went to the doctor with stress related issues which happened to coincide with my husband’s mastectomy the doctor was adamant I had unresolved issues around his transition. The subsequent counselling I underwent quickly dispelled this and made clear that I had no such issues, rather it was work related issues which were the root cause.

The third and final reason it is so hard is because of the attitudes of the wider trans community and particularly trans activists. There are many people who have had negative experiences and indeed it is those negative experiences which have resulted in the spousal veto….a painful part of legislation. However, the greater problem is that as identified earlier the partners of trans people and those closest to them have a different narrative to the one which the trans community is needing to put forward to the general public.

The trans community is needing to show that there is no choice and that the person is the same person, it was the previous gender marker and body presentation which was wrong. The narrative of loss which those closest feel disrupts and confuses this story. Thus when the partner or parents voice is heard it can, in the worst cases, be met by anger and formal complaints from trans activists….as with a recent anonymous letter from the parent of a trans person which was in the Guardian.

So how do we move forward? Well, obviously some of these things will need structural changes in attitude by professionals. However, other conversations can be started more easily and readily.

In thinking about how conversations can start in non-counselling settings work on spirituality gives us a good set of tools, particularly if we are in faith settings. Some of you may have seen Jake Lever’s work The Blue and The Dim and The Gold at Greenbelt a few years ago. It is a beautiful piece of art work which has a boat hidden within it. It has projected next to it a set of questions which ask people to reflect on their personal journeys through three questions:

 

1.    What does your journey feel like?

2.    Has the journey been different to what you expected?

3.    What sustains you as you travel in your boat?

When I saw it recently at Aston University as part of their 50^th anniversary celebrations and I was thinking where do I start with the paper I’m giving I realised these questions may help us. Jake has kindly given me permission to use pictures of his work  within my presentation and so these are what I am going to be using to structure my paper.

Similarly giving people a set of pictures to choose from and structuring questions around these could help people articulate feelings that can be difficult, especially if you were looking at these topics in mixed groups of trans people and others seeking to develop understanding. They could then be used to allow other questions and conversations to develop.

The point is the conversations need to happen. In the next few posts I be using these three questions to reflect on my own experience and how this fits with the experience of others. The second question will specifically include the answer to how I see my own identity with regard to my own sexual orientation.

I will also be putting in a post in response to a question asked about how do you deal with the loss others may feel whilst trying to support the trans person as well.