I want to see if I can put together some posts which might
be a bit more useful for those people actually going through the journey too. I also want to eventually get to looking at this using some biblical material to help people of faith think it through that way.
In terms of doing this I am going to keep to the three
questions that arise from Jake Lever’s excellent art work The Blue, The Gold
and The Dim:
1. What
does your journey feel like?
2. How
has your journey been different to what you expected?
3. What
sustains you as you travel in your boat?
Today I’m going to look at what does your journey feel
like? As I do this I need to explain we are now several years into the process
of my husband’s transition. He has been through process of coming out, accessing
the medical services, having his top surgery and is due to have his
hysterectomy in the summer.
It’s been a scary journey, especially in the early stages.
I didn’t really understand what was going on and was scared. I was scared about
what the person I loved was saying. Even though I had identified before he said
anything something of what was going on it messed with my head. I live in a
world when it’s much easier to think in terms of the binary (i.e. male and
female).
I was scared by how scared he was. There were a lot of
tears and I knew he was really hurting inside. I also had an awareness that a
lot of trans people end up taking their own lives and that scared me lots. I
was worried that he wouldn’t make it through.
I was scared about how other people would react to him. He
had talked about fears of being attacked and that got me really scared. As time
went on that fear subsided but I was upset that he got aggro, especially one
morning when he went to the loo in a coffee shop. This was overcome a bit when
we worked out where had the gender neutral toilets and were able to plan things
like where we did coffee around this.
I was scared that he would never understand how I felt
about it. I was supportive but I was supportive because I saw it as being like
a disability. The transition was about fixing something that had gone wrong. I
know this annoyed him because he doesn’t see it like that, but it is the only way
that I can understand it.
I was scared that because I was gay I wouldn’t be able to
stay with him when he transitioned and if we did things would never be the same
in the bedroom.
Then I was scared about the impact of surgery and if it
would all go ok.
I was scared about how you talk about it and when.
I was scared that the church might reject us both and I was
scared that his employers might not be great.
I was scared it might damage what felt like a fragile
relationship with his parents.
There was a lot of fear around as you can see. But as my
journey has gone on my journey, our journey, has felt a lot different to
expected.
Where I expected him to face rejection by the church and
work he has on the whole experienced love. That’s not to say there haven’t been
people who have used the bible to be transphobic, but on the whole there has
been love. People tend to be much more loving and understanding then we often
give them credit for.
Where I expected our
relationship to fall apart it nearly did, but we got through that largely by
hugs. We found a way to talk about things….somehow…and we cried lots but we
didn’t let this destroy us.
Where I expected him to
fall apart he actually began to blossom. As he stopped repressing things he
actually became a much happier person and that made life easier.
In terms of the
reactions of others they weren’t as bad as expected and when he did get hassle
we learnt how to handle it, as I say primarily by identifying the safe toilets.
We learnt to stop
living in fear and to enjoy each day much more.
His parents did
struggle and that was an interesting one. I listened and made sure I used the
right pronouns as I affirmed I understood some of the things they were saying
about how they felt.
One strategy I found
really useful was to ensure we went out to eat when he had had a medical
appointment. It was easier to talk about it over dinner because it was less
likely to end up in an argument or misunderstanding. I guess in a public
setting you just ask the questions you need to know like “how long?” “what next?”
and so on. You both have to keep your emotions under control as you discuss
scary things.
I found it useful to go
clothes shopping with my husband and whilst he developed his style I was able
to help discuss what I thought would work. This also helped me know his style
so if I were shopping alone for him I would be more likely to get it right
(e.g. at Christmas).
If I were putting
forward a resource to help trans people and their partners I would put the
following questions together as things to talk about:
1.
What are you scares you about your partner
transitioning?
2.
Which of these things do you think you can
control?
3.
Which of these are the really hard things you
won’t be able to control?
4.
What relates to your partner and what relates
to your feelings about yourself?
5.
Who do you know who it will be safe to talk
about these fears with?
6.
How would I like my partner’s life to be if
they are transitioning?
7.
How can I help them blossom whilst ensuring I
don’t wither?
8.
How do I understand the process of transition?
9.
Is there any more information I need to get
about what’s involved and if so where do I get that information?
10. Where my
safe place is and what am I going to do when it all seems overwhelming?
At
that point it will be useful to know of some support groups and good sources of
information. Note the list is not exhaustive and I would suggest if there is a
LGBT centre or organisation near you that you get hold of them in the first
instance to find out about local groups:
DiverseChurch (for 18-30 year old Christians)
For
Parents:
DiverseChurch Parents (Group for Christian parents)
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