This post is the one where I was going to look at how my
journey has been different to how I expected it to be. It is the one which
deals with my identity and how I see myself but before I get to that I need to
get something off my chest.
There is a hidden body of work which I have come across
this week, doing my research for the talk, which would have been so useful if I
had come across it some time ago.
Some of it I have been able to access because I happen to
have an academic email account, other parts have come through putting fragments
of things together and coming up with gold.
One of the most important documents I have found is a 2012
thesis by Claire Jenkins whose PhD work was “Straddling the scalpel of identity:
a critical study of transsexual transition in a familial context”. This was not
found via your standard key word Google search. Rather I read a chapter in the
Inclusive Church book Sexuality, (Cornwell, 2014) and the introduction to that
chapter sent me on a search of the institution, topic and first name.
Then there is the wealth of useful stuff on Canadian
professor Elspeth Brown’s website which specifically relates to the partners of
Trans Men. It was there I found the link to Nicola R. Brown,
"TheSexual Relationships of Sexual-Minority Women Partnered with Trans Men: AQualitative Study", Archives of Sexual Behavior, Vol.39
No.2, 2010, pp.561-572.
This latter article has
helped me more than any other in working out how to describe my identity now
& I only found it yesterday! Having another scan through Rachel Mann's excellent book Dazzling Darkness didn't hurt either.
Previous to the last 24
hours if asked to describe my relationship and identity I would have said that
I was gay in a relationship beyond categorization. However, I realized reading Brown’s article
that whilst there are only a relatively small number of people in the same
situation the relationship is not without categorization. It is simply a queer
relationship.
Now I am of an age where I
relate the word queer to slightly odd and I think that is one reason why I have
been resistant. However, I think there has also been a huge desire to hold on
to my own sexual orientation particularly as the law has not allowed me to (as
I have had to move from civil partnership to marriage in order for my husband
to be in a position where he can apply for his Gender Recognition Certificate
(GRC)).
Yet, our relationship has
been based on negotiation through the transition and a working together to
ensure that the essential parts of our relationship which is based on far more
than primary or secondary sex characteristics is not lost. If we adopt the word
queer and say we are in a queer relationship it reflects the reality of what is
going on, particularly as my husband is a man but one who is aware of the risks
of genital reconstruction and so is not taking that route through transition.
The world may see it as
straight and that is fine, (it is far easier than when my partner gets mis-gendered
because they see two people of a similar height together) however, we know
there is more than that going on. Embracing the word queer allows the whole situation
to be embraced.
You might wonder why it
has taken me so much time to get here…..well in part because somebody wise at
the beginning of the journey said it was the loss of identity and issues around
that which were most likely to see us not make it through. Thus it is an area I
have sought at times to avoid really thinking about.
Having sat and thought it
through though I think it helps that I am find intellectual attraction stronger
than physical attraction and so the physical change has not been so difficult
for me. Also the decisions regarding which surgery to have and not have my
partner has made for safety reasons have also helped.
In terms of how you help
people through the discussions and worries they have in this area it is a
difficult one. This is an area where fear can be huge and where the worries of
others are perhaps most likely to be voiced, (that was certainly my
experience).
I think it is helpful to
discuss the question but not in terms of “but you’re….. and how will that work
now they’re……”
Sometimes it is easiest to
let go of the labels and let people simply be people.
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